Mistake 1: Compromising Standards, Values and Requirements
‘Commitment in a relationship needs to be based on a commitment to myself – to Love, honor, obey and cherish my own being.’ – Shakti Gawain, Living in the Light *
When you first meet someone you will naturally share your beliefs and values with them to discover how compatible you may be but if substantial differences are discovered you may compromise yourself to avoid potential conflicts.
A healthy relationship requires a certain degree of compromise because being part of a couple means you are obliged to make certain joint commitments and accept certain responsibilities but making premature compromises is dangerous.
When there are serious values and expectations conflicts within a relationship there are a few choices:
- You can try and change your partner (not a good idea!)
- You can stand by your values and beliefs and risk tension between you and your partner or even the failure of the relationship
- You can sacrifice your values and beliefs for the preservation of the relationship
Once you reduce or dismiss what is important to you in the hope of creating a false sense of compatibility and unity, you are not being true to yourself.
Mistake 2: Not Asking Enough Questions
‘No investigation no right to speak’ – Confucius
An intelligent woman (or man) will not make assumptions or take anything for granted and will ask a man pursuing her questions. To save wasting time a woman needs to find out about what type of man is attempting to interact with her.
One of the main reasons we become involved with unsuitable relationships is this: we do not ask enough questions at the beginning!
Employers routinely carry out background checks on potential employees to filter out poor candidates. When they conduct interviews they do so to get an impression of the person and to assess if they are likely to be productive, reliable and most importantly if they who will be able to contribute to the organizations goals. Employers do not want to hire anyone who is likely cause any problems or disruptions to their operations.
When you’re given a new job this doesn’t mean you immediately enjoy the privileges automatically become securely employed but have to work a probationary period which will vary depending on the policies of the organization. After you have served your probation you are considered a ‘permanent’ employee and enjoy additional benefits and perks.
Conducting some sort of prolonged interview with a potential partner does not usually sound very appealing, spontaneous or romantic but dating someone new and getting to know them actually is a type of long drawn out interviewing process. If you have ever watched the popular TV series ‘The Apprentice’ where over a period of weeks the candidates are given various tasks to perform, you will understand the concept of an extended interview!
The only intelligent strategy for finding out about a person is to ask questions. This may not be very romantic but it is very practical and sensible!
Mistake 3: Ignoring Potential Warning Signs
Many relationships are doomed to fail before they even begin because people do not pay attention to obvious warning signs.
Sometimes we can look back at a previous relationship and realize that we ignored or missed obvious warning signs and blame ourselves for not paying attention and compromising ourselves too much.
When you are surprised or shocked when a relationship turns out badly this is often a result of ignoring denying warning signs that you should have paid attention to and confronted much earlier during the partnership.
Mistake 4: Sexual Lust
There is absolutely nothing wrong with consenting adults indulging in sexual activity without any emotional attachments or connection but you may have a problem if you always give in to those ‘feeling horny’ urges indiscriminately.
Lust and physical appearances are very shallow reasons to become intimately involved with someone and leaves those who operate like this open to being used, abused and ultimately abandoned.
When someone is ‘in lust’ they are actually ‘in love’ with the sexual chemistry and passion they feel for the other person even though they may believe they are experiencing genuine emotions of ‘love’.
Everyone has their personal ‘code’, moral beliefs and attitudes regarding sexual activity so individual conscience dictates how we each respond. The feelings of lust are perfectly natural, it is whether we choose to act on those impulses or not that matters.
Mistake 5: Putting Commitment Before Compatibility
Always carry with you a little reasonable doubt, should you meet someone who needs to be found innocent. ~Robert Brault
Diving into a relationship and allowing your emotions, sexual urges or unresolved issues to dictate the pace of becoming involved with someone new can get you into all sorts of trouble! Committing to a person before you know if they are really compatible with you will be the cause of major problems later on in the relationship.
You may tend to rush into relationships and commit to a person prematurely for a variety of reasons. The relationship may have every chance of success but making an emotional commitment to someone you hardly know is not sensible or advisable.
Mistake 6: Material Seduction
‘When we are motivated by fear, we can easily be seduced by the false gods of sex, power and money and all they represent. Once seduced we abdicate our control yo the seductive authority: the dyfunctional relationship, the external source of money and security.’ – Caroline Myss – The Anatomy of the Spirit
Just as many of us can be attracted to the way someone looks and become too involved before actually getting to know the person there are those who are attracted by material possessions and wealth. They are attracted by money, a large house, the flash car and the ‘bling’ or the potential of having the material trappings that money can provide.
This is not to suggest wanting and enjoying nice or even expensive things is wrong. It depends on how much self worth a person attaches to their possessions, achievements and the other obsessions of the Ego. The primary motivations of a person ruled by their Ego define themselves according to their:
- Social Status and Recognition
The Ego needs to be constantly defended and its appetites always have to be catered for while seeking external validation of self worth. It is constantly in the process of considering and comparing itself with others and the desire to feel superior will lead to judgments about other people being inferior.
“Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow.” Goethe
Now you might be thinking ‘what has my Ego and the desire to feel important got to do with my relationship choices?’ It is very easy to be seduced by your own Ego when you are motivated and influenced to choose potential partners based on external factors such as:
I know several female friends who have been seduced by a man’s lifestyle, money or career that have lived to bitterly regret becoming married or involved due to be blinded by the lure of a glamorous way of life.
Mistake 7: Not Trusting Your Intuition and Instincts
“Often you have to rely on intuition.” – Bill Gates, Founder of Microsoft
Intuition, instinct or a sixth sense; it does not matter what you call it each of us has it and while everyone has this gift not everyone uses it. Other words are used to describe this gift such as the inner voice, the inner or third eye, your soul, second sight, a gut feeling, a hunch, high sense perception, paranormal intelligence, ESP (Extra Sensory Perception), the Third Eye or Sixth Chakra.
Many undesirable situations can be experienced because the intuition has been ignored. Many people pursue the logical, rational approach to a situation and pay very little attention to their ‘gut feelings’. Intuition can be applied in all situations and too many important areas of your life.
These are just a few brief tips on the common BIG relationship Mistakes that can waste a great deal of your time and cause a great deal of emotional pain.
If you are serious about finding a loving and healthy relationship you need to know:
- How Premature Compromises Happen
- The Essential Questions To Ask A Potential Partner
- The Important Warning Signs To Look Out For
- What Kind Of Problems Are Inevitable If You Ignore Warning Signs
- Why Being a ‘People Pleaser’ Does Not Mean You will be Pleased With Your Love Choices
- Why Constantly Giving into Sexual Lust Will Limit Your Chances of Finding a Lasting Relationship
- Why a Woman can’t act Like a Man when it comes to Casual Sex and Expect to be Taken Seriously
- How Material Seduction can Tempt You into a Major Relationship Disaster
- Why Putting Commitment Before Compatibility is a BIG Mistake
- How to Know If Your Moving to Fast When You Meet Someone New
- How to Trust and Follow Your intuition When You Are Looking for Love
You will find ALL the answers to the above questions and much more about Love Myths in my book available now!
© Nigel Beckles 2015